Questions

Q: What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of a plane at 35,000 feet without a parachute?
A: Who cares?

Q: What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q: What should you do if you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

Q: What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers?
A: Law-suits.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?
A: The bucket.

Q: What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Removable wingtips.

Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: The nearest cemetery.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Q: Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
A: New Jersey got first choice.

Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A: Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

Q: What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
A: His personality.

Q: What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
A: He was disbarred.

Q: What does a laywer get when you give him Viagra?
A: Taller

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.

Q: What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: Now, what is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A: A lobotomy.

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a bottom crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Q: What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead.

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers.

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.