Lawyer Jokes

Two legal problems

A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm. He asks an attorney: "If I give you $300 to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?" The attorney replies: "Sure, what's the other question?"

Perfect time

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers: "What is this?"The first lawyer replies: "It's the $100 I owe you."

Only six months to live

A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live."That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient."Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

Bad and terrible news

George had responded to a call from his attorney, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked. "Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

Where the money is?

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"

Why are you changing shoes?

Two lawyers walking through the woods attracted the attention of a vicious-looking bear. The bear noticed them, and started to walk toward them. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulling out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said: "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "Oh, I know that. Bears are much faster than humans. I have no hope of ever being able to outrun a bear." "If you know that, why are you changing shoes?" "Well, the way I figure it," the first lawyer replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."

Lightbulb

How many personal injury lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three! One lawyer to change the bulb... the second to shake him off the ladder... and the last lawyer to sue the ladder company.

You didn't notice

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!" "Oh my God", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?"

The problem is that 99% of lawyers give the rest of us a bad name. A man nervously dialed the office of his attorney. "I'd like to speak to my lawyer," he told the secretary who answered the phone. "I'm sorry, sir," the secretary told him, "but he has passed away. He's dead." The man hung up with a mumbled "Thank-you." A week later, though, he called back. "Could I talk to my lawyer?" he asked. "Haven't we spoken before, sir?" the secretary inquired. "I could have sworn I talked to you last week. He's dead." "OK," said the caller. "Sorry to bother you." Only seven days afterward, though, the secretary heard a by-now-familiar voice at the other end of the line. "Is there any chance you could connect me with my lawyer?" the man wanted to know. By now, the secretary was exasperated. "I know we've spoken before, sir. I've told you: he's dead! Why do you keep calling back? Don't you get it? He's dead!" The man paused before he answered. "I know, I know . . . . I just enjoy hearing it so much!" Bumper sticker: "Support Mental Health or I’ll Kill You"

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer — do you have a locker room in the police station — a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

A man and a woman were conversing at a party. The woman said: "Lawyers are jerks." The man responded: "I take offense to that remark." "Why," said the woman. "Are you a lawyer?" "No," he responded: "I'm a jerk." Moe: It was so cold last night, I just couldn't believe it. Joe: Well, how cold was it? Moe: It was so cold, that I saw a lawyer with both hands in his own pockets. Q. What do lawyers use for birth control? A. Their personalities.

In Portuguese, a lawyer is called advogado; in French a lawyer is called avocat; and in Italian, a lawyer is called avvocato. All three language appear to compare lawyers to avocados, because both the fruit and lawyers have hearts of stone.

"Under democracy, one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule — and both commonly succeed, and are right." H.L. Mencken

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail when he tripped over a large snake and then he fell, KerPlop! — right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and cannot see." "That's perfectly all right," said the snake. "Actually, I think it was really my fault. I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and then said: "Well, you're soft and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a BUNNY RABBIT!" And the little bunny was so pleased that he danced with joy. He told the snake, "I can't thank you enough. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he really didn't know, because he also was blind. So, the bunny said, "Let me return the favor and examine you." When the bunny had finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of animal am I?" The bunny replied: "You're hard; you're cold; you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls. You must be a . . . . lawyer." And the snake was very sad.

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But I did send them." "What?? You did???" "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

The SEC finally indicted a famous stock swindler, who had gotten rich though the use of insider trading. The swindler hired a lawyer and said, "Do whatever you can; I just don’t want to be sentenced to prison. I’ve gotten quite wealthy over the years, and I want to enjoy that wealth. I can’t enjoy it while I’m in prison." The lawyer responded, "Take heart. I can assure you that you will never have to go to prison with all that money." And the lawyer was right. the swindler was convicted and sent to prison to serve a long jail term, but the swindler never went to prison with all that money. The swindler went to prison flat broke. The lawyer, on the other hand, made out quite well.